So Pam is an old friend from college and she’s honestly one of the few reasons I’ve been able to get through anything recently. Every post that’s password protected is there for her. This post was originally called Sarahndipity and was password protected but I hid it before she could read it. Her rss feed reader allows her to save posts if at any point, I post them as viewable by everyone — even if I remove them. Protected ones require her to login before she can read them. The email thread between us says so much better what I wanted to say that I’ve replaced that original post with our correspondence.

For those of you not in the know, I have started therapy. Mental, not physical.

From: Mike
To: Pam
Sent: Fri, May 11, 2012 7:47 pm
Subject: Happy Mother’s Day

My therapist thinks I should be on meds. Not sure I want that but I like her enough to give it a try. Anxiety levels through the roof this week. Had a bad week but I feel better now. There’s a weird level of clarity after therapy but it’s not always something I can quantify so my brain figures out ways to ignore it. Yes, second session was last night so that was after the first session. I’ve clearly got it all figured out. Y’know, you’re the only one who has just been supportive and not opinionated about Sarah. Everyone else is not a fan of her. Not that I blame them but I appreciate your unobjectiveness. Someday I’ll ask for your rant against her but not today.

Have all appliances. Still need to hook up gassy bits on the dryer and test the washer but it’s starting to be a home. Most importantly I have cable and the internets. Did you know a queen sized futon will fit in the cooper? Yes, the thing I had from college that you’ve sat on. After 20 years in storage it wasn’t even all that musty. Futon – much more comfortable than floor. Oh wait, no microwave yet.

Trying to work up the courage to go to a party solo-ish. It’s being thrown by a girl I used to work with and has music by a guy from my last job so people from there may show up. I know I need to meet new people but it’s early and I may be too broken right now to not come off as too broken. Or maybe that’s the excuse I want.

From: Pam
To: Mike
Sent: Sat, May 12, 2012 10:30 am
Subject: Re: Happy Mother’s Day

Medication: Do it. Be patient with it. All that stuff about it taking a couple weeks to work is true, especially if we’re talking antidepressants. Anxiety meds are much quicker. I was hesitant for the first couple years, but, honestly, giving in to my need for meds is the best thing I ever did. For some people (my mother is one), meds are a temporary thing, and maybe that’s you. Don’t fall for the stigma. Be ready to try a couple different things and to not feel better for a little while. It’s a chemical thing, so sometimes the first thing doesn’t work. But seriously, do it.

It’s easy for me to be silent about Sarah because I don’t know her. By default, I don’t like her because I think she’s treated you badly. However, I’m well aware that things get confusing when your long-term relationships are changing, so I do have a bit of compassion for her side of things. Then again, I almost always see both sides of every conflict, so, you know, I try to keep my ranting to a minimum in general.

I am hella busy from now until the 21st. This is the start of concerts and rehearsals and more concerts. The cherry on top is that both my brothers are coming, and Dave is bringing his kids. This will be the first time all the nieces and the nephew are in one place. (Why is there no gender neutral word for the group of nieces and nephews? nieceaphews? nephnieces?) Bonus: it’s not because someone’s dead. I’m wicked excited, but, of course, now that I’m newly gainfully employed, I can’t really take time off to hang, so I’ll be squeezing shit in between work and dress rehearsals. All of this is to say, I may not be online a lot, but it’s not because I don’t care.

I’m proud of you for even considering venturing out into the world right now. It’s the healthy perspective. Me? I’d be holed up for at least a year. Still, be kind to yourself and listen to your gut. I find that asking myself what I’m afraid of in a given situation helps me decide whether to push my boundaries in that regard. In most instances, honoring my gut instinct (not kneejerk reaction, but REAL gut feeling) is the right way to go. Short version: pay attention to the alarm bells. Don’t force yourself. Right now, your priority is to keep Mike Lee safe and well and figure out what he needs.

Okay, I must shower. At 11:15, I get to help a bunch of graduating seniors figure out how to line up in a predetermined order. Man, I love working on a college campus.

Big, big love, Mike. Missing you a lot.

[Edit: Chronologically this is where Sarahndipity would have been made known to Pam.]

From: Pam
To: Mike
Sent: Sun, May 13, 2012 11:04 pm
Subject: Tease

Sarahndipity? Don’t leave a girl hangin.

From: Mike
To: Pam
Sent: Mon, May 14, 2012 7:08 am
Subject: Tease

Pam,

And here I thought you were busy for the next week. So even though the protected post had “your password” the rss feed didn’t download it. interesting.

Don’t read much into titles (sometimes). I have a long one called Que Sarah Sarah describing her week stay with me (that one should have been called Sarahndipity) and almost called this one Sarahcature which may have been a better choice but Sarahndipity sounds hopeful. Sarahndipity as it currently stands is ranty and too unfocused and way too angry. Mostly it doesn’t read well. What follows is a hopefully a better version.

Nothing serendipitous has happened but I did have a revelation. I have rejection/abandonment issues and I realized Sarah rejected and abandoned me immediately after she lived with me for a week during which she treated me as a confidant. I mean cut off cold. No real explanations other than I’m getting a divorce and my life sucks. And she’s still doing it. If she and I ever talk again, I’ll ask her. I suppose I want a reason specific to me and my situation. What changed between us? From my perspective something specific had to have happened. But maybe not. Maybe it was all too much and she decided to follow her therapist’s advice and cut the old group off.

The whole meds thing came about because I asked Sarah for a facebook friendship so I could at least artificially see her since seeing her for real wasn’t necessarily in the cards (but, at least in theory, we are still friends). She turned me down without explanation which just sent me into a huge anxiety attack. I felt she directly rejected me and I thought that was it. I eventually risked asking her but she did not reply until after therapy.

From : Mike
To : Sarah
Sent : 5/10/2012 6:09 PM
Subject : 2 questions

I’m sorry but could you answer 2 questions? Just yes or no to each.
Do you still like me?
Do you ever intend to see me again?
Again, I’m sorry. If you could answer I’d appreciate it. I’m sorta desperate, things are even impacting work.
After this I wont try to contact you until you contact me.
Sorry about the facebook thing – i’ve quit that too, so no worries on that happening again.

From: Sarah
To: Mike
Sent: Thu, May 10, 2012 9:22 pm
Subject: Re: 2 questions

Mike,

I have made it clear to you in the past the answers to both of those questions. [Edit: they're "yes"] It is not me that is creating how you feel right now, it is you. I understand that this is difficult right now for you, but you cannot continue to let this take over your life. Please understand that for my sake and for yours. It is a little scary for me how much this is affecting you, and how hard you have been pushing. I cannot be what you think I am for you -your only social outlet, a romantic possibility – I am not, and will never be, any of those things for you. The importance that you have placed on this relationship overstates its function in your life.

Take your foot off the gas, and work through some of this stuff in therapy. I hope you are being completely honest and open with your therapist. S/he needs to know all of it in order to help you get through this and work through other aspects of your life.

Sarah

I know Sarah’s not my only social outlet and I know (and have always known despite what everyone else is thinking) we’d never be romantically involved but she’s not entirely correct. Sarah did create a lot of this. I was fine before she stayed with me. Worried, yes but not crazy. After she left it was as if I didn’t exist and the real fear and anxiety issues started. Sometimes I really just want to scream at her that she fucked up my life but I know that won’t help things between us. And she already knows it. Much like you with me, I just want her to get better.

It’s safer for me not to contact her where her silence can be misinterpreted as something other than it is by my paranoid, low self-esteemed mind. I didn’t go out Saturday and discovered on Friday I missed a friend’s cd release and last concert before he moves which sucked. I let another friend down.

- mike

From: Pam
To: Mike
Sent: Mon, May 14, 2012 1:20 pm
Subject: Re: Tease

had some time to check the RSS yesterday, and now I’ve got downtime at work, so, yeah…I’m around. I’m always going to check up on you, especially when you’re offline but things show up in the RSS feed.

What shows up in my RSS now is the title of the post and then “Enter your password blah blah blah.” So I click on the link to the blog page. Usually it takes me right to the entry, but this one gave me the 401/404 (w’ev number) page not found error.

re: missing your friend’s CD release:
You and I suffer the same kind of self-punishment, I see. I always get down on myself for “letting my friends down,” usually to discover that 1) they didn’t even notice I wasn’t there AND 2) they completely understand my need to sometimes bail on ALL social arrangements. You have to make it okay to let yourself be a hermit for a while, regardless. And, scary though it is, tell people a version of the truth:” I’m not feeling up to much socializing right now, but I’ll TRY to be there. Don’t be offended if I don’t show.” I think I’m going to get that printed on a business card, like the ones deaf people hand out. I’ll share them with you.

It’s early days, my friend, and upheaval is so very hard. From here, I see that you have no “normal” right now. You’ve got work and a relatively empty house and a group of friends that are splitting up. It’s no wonder you’re feeling this way. Keep writing it out, whether you share it with me or anyone else or not. Just do it. It really does help. And I can’t say enough, be kind to yourself. Say NICE things to yourself about yourself. At first, it all feels ridiculous, very Stuart Smalley. But, over time, it really does change the way your brain works. My therapist always said, “fake it till you make it,” and I had a hard time believing I would get past faking it. Sometimes I still wonder. So far, so good.

Other bullshit platitudes that have helped me: every day is a new day. nothing is permanent. there is a lesson in everything; you just have to figure out what it is. everything that happens has made you who you are now, so no regrets.

I can’t say this enough: keep reaching out, even if it’s just to me, just your blog. You’re a good person, and you will get through this. (yes, this is something I tell myself too. For a long, long time that was a definite fakery. Am I a good person? Sometimes not, but overall yes)

Don’t forget the music. If everything you’re listening to now reminds you of her, then find some new stuff. Go to Paste, pitchfork, KCRW, NPR All Songs Considered, whatever it takes. There’s some awesome stuff out there these days. I’m not going to give suggestions for fear of triggering something for you, but trust me, you’ll find something.

Finally, love is brutal, but you don’t get ecstasy without depression. It’s living through the depression that is the tricky part. Again, it’s part of what keeps me around.

Hang tight.

P

Sorry about the no notice. Facebook is just a bit too much for me to handle right now.

If you need to contact me: kirstgrafx@aol.com

I am impossible to buy gifts for. I have enough money that I buy most of what I want and even buy things I don’t want in the hopes that I might like them. In general it’s comic books. People often go the gift card/gift certificate route. It’s safe and well intentioned and better than getting me something I don’t want. I will always want comic books, dvds, cds, art supplies and to dine out and go to movies.

Before all of the mess I was bragging to Sarah how well I knew her husband, Chris. “Who, besides you or his family, bought him a gift for his birthday that he liked that wasn’t on a list he made?” Her reply was so sad and sullen it hurt me. “Just you. You don’t have to exclude me or anyone from that list. It was just you.” If I had been paying more attention maybe I would have seen the writing on the wall. Not that knowing before hand would have helped.

I want there to be somebody who knows me well enough to buy me something I like without me having to write it down. But for now I’m alone.

I am blogging, really. There is at least 1 and usually around 3 non-money pit posts a week. I just can’t show them.

I’m going through a rough time. My local social group is in disarray and my one real social outlet is gone. I mean she’s still around but for the past month we didn’t talk. Now she’s back but in such a diminished capacity I feel I am more of an annoyance to her. I feel our brief separation and the reasons behind it have damaged our friendship irreparably and she will never trust me again. (It’s so weird to describe it as brief, those 33 days were an eternity.) I hope I’m wrong but for now I will take what I can get.

I am buying a house and that is not fun in the least but it should be done by this Friday. Everyone says it should be the most joyous time but it only adds to the suck. My car was recently in a wreck but I have it back and it seems to be working well. I have a print in an art show next Saturday and that has my stomach turning butterflies.

All those things end after this week so everything should get back to a degree of normal. I have one big decision left to make. But that’s not to be shared here.